When I first moved into my apartment here in LA my roommates all thought I was gay. This is only significant because I live with a gay dude and a lesbian couple.
Every little thing I do they say makes me more gay. Drinking green tea? Gay. Watching Clueless? Gay. Randomly crying because I couldn’t deal with the fact that I ran an extension cord into my closet when my neighbors and my lesbian couple roommates were fighting too loudly? And also because I was making oatmeal? Super gay. Okay, they don’t know about that last one, but if they did…oh god.
But what’s really surprising is how easily I could lie to them all. They know I’m not gay, but whenever I say with a slight lisp, “fuck how’d you know?” they ask “wait really? we were joking!” and then I play along because I think they’re joking. But they’re not. They’re confused when I stop and talk about any girl I find attractive. “Oh wow! You must have a good eye for that!” It’s all in the balls.
I could tell them that I was born a horse and the doctor told me that if I didn’t become a human I would die, so I became a man and if I ever neigh to call 911 because I could be dying. I could actually say that and they would have paramedics here at first whiney.
I wish I were fucking around right now. I really…really wish. At least I know I’m the asshole because I’m the one being disingenuous.
